10/10/92

The most amazing thing about being married 16 years is that it doesn't seem like 16 years have gone by. The biggest reminder for me is every year when Ryan has a birthday. When he turned 12 (2006) I was shocked to realize that was possible!

I have two things I have been thinking on in regard to marriage this week:

I want my children to consider this first thought when they start looking for a mate: A person they are considering for a mate must make them a better person. A "compliment" indeed. This idea doesn't have anything to do with positive emotional feelings. It has everything to do with being such a helpmate that your weaknesses are diminished and your strengths are shining. Richard makes me not want to be lazy, grumpy, or apathetic. He makes me want to be kindhearted, diligent and to move in wisdom. I still show out way too often in the weakness department but the desire is there to be better because I know He deserves a wonderful wife, friend and mother for his children...and the kicker is he thinks I am that person! I do not want to dissappoint!

This next idea is something I have struggled with and have finally been able to see, and hopefully correct in my own life. I have learned to forgive myself of past mistakes I made in our marriage. Most of the things that haunt my memory are too personal to write down, but needless to say I haven't always been such a submissive and unselfish bride. That's not so hard to imagine, is it??

In the recent past if Richard was especially loving to me it made me feel so bad for not have always loving him like I should. Richard has forgiven me - even assures me often he wouldn't chose another if he could (balm to my soul)...but the guilt crept up. And did it make me better? No, it led only to depressing thoughts and regrets and then I would miss the moment of love he was giving me. Living in the negative past isn't a good idea in marriage.

If you've read this far and you're waiting for a funny and poingnant ending to this post you're going to be disappointed. These are raw thoughts and feelings written just before the clock strikes midnight on our 16th anniversary.

I'm half of a modern day miracle and I'm so thankful to say that God has made our marriage and our love stronger through the years.

It's overwhelming really.

I love you Richard.