Yesterday an article I wrote was published on the Growing Kids Ministry web site. I have a great desire to write, but can't seem to figure out how much time I can devote to it. Anyway, this popped out of my brain and I submitted it.
The great debate within me these days is how much to intervene in squabbles between my three older children, ages 14, 13, and 11. Now squabbles is the word that I use to publicly record the incidents that can sometimes be heard through the house. And I’ve noticed certain inflections of the voice and screaming sounds travel quickly to a mother’s ears. Not all squabbles are loud, as sometimes I witness facial gestures in the rearview mirror of the van that I wish I hadn’t. It doesn’t matter what degree of squabble I’m a witness to, I keep thinking about that responsibility monkey, and I have a hard time balancing between putting it on their shoulders and chunking it at them.
On a recent summer day I was feeling a little guilty for spending more time working on a project away from my kids than usual, so when I heard the raised voices mingled with traces of sarcasm and fear, I felt the nudge to go check out the scene unfolding in the kitchen.
Now, admittedly, I make some assumptions about a 14-year-old boy who is a foot taller than either of his sisters, known for his pestering, and a cookie dough connoisseur, like his father. If sister felt like she needed to remove the cookie dough bowl from the counter and move away from him and his hungry spoon, then I’m thinking he might’ve not practiced the principle, “ask before you reach.” Of course, this was sister’s first ever time to make the famous family cookies entirely by herself; including the clean up, I was sure. I admit to empathy for her plight to keep some of the batter for making her goal into a reality. It appears that he reached over her, she protected her bowl, and then he followed her brandishing a spoon!
After making sure the cookie batter was safe, and asking for both sides of the story, I reminded her she could’ve deferred. In that scenario some batter wasn’t going to make it into cookies, but the bowl was very full and could indeed have been sampled. Then, I looked into the eyes of the boy/man. This is the baby who let me test every Prep and GKGW principle on him until it worked!
“Son, can you not see that she has prepared the cookie dough by herself and has a plan for it? Did you ask in your most precious family-honoring voice for a taste? Isn’t this the sister who shares most easily by nature? You have the spoon in your possession now, do you not think this implicates your chase around the kitchen, and can’t you see that you might possibly be bullying her by your size and sheer determination?”
No, that’s not what I said! However, after a reminder of his tendency to rush in, God red-flagged me and reminded me of the lesson God had been teaching me in the last few weeks…
In summary, no one’s words cut deeper nor lift me up higher than my husband’s. I have been blessed with Mr. Logical, Mr. Compassion and Mr. Romance all in one. And as strong-willed as I’ve ever been, I have the thinnest skin when it comes to his words to me. I really don’t want to admit it, but twice in the last month we have had deep “discussions” over what I thought he said about me, or what it inferred about me, or what I thought he thought about me! I want him to think the best about me, although I know that he loves me and he knows everything about me. After our last “discussion” I was reading an article that quoted one of Steven Covey’s tips, “Seek first to understand and then be understood.” OK, I recognized that:
Proverbs 15:2 (yes, right after the harsh words verse) The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the (self-confident) fool gushes folly.
The word “commends” is translated utters or useth in the KJV and the Amplified and is defined as 1) to put in the care of another, 2: to recommend, 3) to praise. No, that’s not what I do when I run in with my sword drawn ready to fight to be understood first!
Simply put, it’s not enough to learn the verses without actually trying to live them. That’s what I call a red-flag moment with God. He pops that Truth up all the time because I’m training my children in the same things I am learning!
Back in the kitchen, in a moment of clarity, I reminded brother to consider others and to try to understand them before being understood. Seek knowledge, my son. I admitted to him this is something I need to work on. Not an hour before he had witnessed me getting defensive over a non-Kingdom issue at the lunch table. No kidding, I had let my son see that if you feel it’s right and no one will listen, then just move on in and say or do what you think is right in the moment so they will understand your point! This is a picture of a self-confident fool gushing.
How much should I intervene or how should I intervene? That is the question.
It’s probably never wrong to enter a squabble with a bit of Truth. Not that basic reminders of laundry protocol will not be necessary, but because I know my children have the Spirit in them, I’m thinking He can do His work if I let Him, and stop gushing!
Oh, the wonderful teen years!
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